So my sister has called me three times today and I have not answered. My boyfriend has called a few times too. It’s not personal. I just don’t feel like talking. I went to the park and could not find a shaded area NOT occupied with people. I cannot go to my favorite chill spot Books-A-Million, crack open my laptop and use the Wi-Fi because my membership has ran out and I do not have a dime to my name. I am searching for my muse, for inspiration, for clarity and peace of mind.Today is a beautiful Sunday but I am not content. I will not be content until I find space and time to be alone with my thoughts, until I find serenity, until I reclaim my thoughts. I am in my own world and OK… you may call me selfish but I know what I need today. I need me again. I don’t want to talk about makeup or the latest fashion at the mall. I don’t care to discuss trivial matters and chuckle over small talk. Today I woke up on the right side of the bed with my thoughts deeply pressed against the frontal lobe of my brain. I cannot ignore them, they sit on the tip of my conscience begging to be pushed over the edge into a sea of – of what exactly? Yes. I don’t see the sea and it is bothering me.
I am perplexed with emotion; just having skimmed thru the latest issue of Essence magazine. I read about our beloved Michael Jackson. I learned about a half Italian and Black woman who won office in Italy. I applied a makeup sample offered within one of its pages. Amongst other things I am frustrated. I am frustrated at my finances, I'm mad that people aren't receiving proper healthcare, I'm pissed of that some jerk cut me in line, after reading Essence and watching FUSE videos, I realize that I actually resent the fact that Michael Jackson is dead. To add insult to injury, he was murdered by the same unethical doctoring (meds and mullah over morals) that has wound up killing countless others --- including my good friend's grandmother. She didn't need all that shit. At any rate, I feel robbed even; as if his untimely death was unfair towards himself but the rest of humanity. Like I wrote in, “Remembering Michael”, it felt as though we lost a hero. It's just so damned tragic. Sadly, it was simply his time I suppose...
OH boy, am I not very friendly right now… I am not approachable nor do I want to be approached. I am not happy. Last night I read thru decade old diary entries I wrote during my teens. Talk about clarifying... it helped refresh my memory as to who I am and why. I struggled with self-esteem, co-dependency, anger and social withdrawal. Ten years later I still struggle with these issues from time to time. At this very moment I do not want to be around anyone. I want to be completely alone yet that is not possible being that I live with my family. I don’t always want to be alone.
I am social most of the time but when I don’t want to be bothered I completely clam up and want my privacy to be respected. I suppose I need to tell my sister & others that when and if I don’t answer the phone it is on purpose and for a purpose. At least I could do is say so. It’s ironic… when I was younger I craved for attention; I wanted to be accepted and have others to talk to and want to talk to me. Yet, now that I am grown I do not let others too close to me, including my family. I have this private side to me that is all mines and absolutely no one is allowed. It is deep and I like to get lost in it from time to time. Perhaps, it’s time I found another outlet. I do believe it is time I draw & paint again. I feel an urge to release my passion or else emotions will consume me and I will brood as I am right now, more often than not. Trust me… I’m not always this heavy hearted. Sorry, if I’ve been passive & rude. I still love you.
