Spare the Rod...Spoil The Child?

I started burping and wiping poop at the age of 15. Years of hands-on experience with my beautiful nieces and nephews...as well as filling in as mommy dearest to two beautiful godchildren from a previous relationship; taught me a thing or two about kids.  Rule of thumb: All kids are not created equal! LOL. There are the reserved and amiable to the loud, boisterous and mischievous and some of every variation in-between.   

This morning, I read a friend's blog post "To Smack or Not to Smack".  He is a loving, single father Raising Amelie - a toddler girl.  The post is riddled with guilt as he contemplates his actions as a parent.  Honestly, I think he was a bit hard on himself but that is to be expected.  Having a life in your hands is an incredible responsibility and at times overwhelming.  As responsible parents/guardians and caregivers we often check-in with ourselves and  wonder if we're measuring up to these important roles; like he, many are struggle with the old adage, "Spare the rod, spoil the child"...  

Depending upon your childhood and/or religious background this ideal makes for wise advice or viewed as utter nonsense.  After reading the related comments to his post, I must say that my experience with being smacked was a little different.  I'm a bit old-fashioned so when raising a child I spank as a last resort. It typically goes like this: verbal warning...child still misbehaving, second verbal warning...still misbehaving... timeout...still cutting up...spanking.  I make sure to tell them why they are being punished and what the lesson is and reward good behavior.  Most of the time it doesn't get that far as kids hate to be taken away from cartoons, candy, and just plain ol' fun; that is torture enough lol.  

Seriously, a good child, gone bad (out of control) is a tragedy waiting to happen.  I can't speak for anyone else so I will only speak for myself.  My parents believed in spanking.  However, they used it sparingly.  Nor, was I ever outright smacked in the face. Well, at least not up until the day I once got out of line with my 70 year old Grandmother. Due to my parents' work schedule I stayed with my Grandma for a few months.  I was 11 years old and it was the most time I'd ever spent with her.  So, we are both getting familiar and used to the new set up.  It was an adjustment to say the least as there were no unproductive activities; this included video games.  I was not allowed to sleep past 9 A.M. or "go in and out the icebox whenever I so pleased", she would instruct.  There were three squares a day.  The only snack was a glass of water or milk with the occasional gingerbread cookie on the nightstand before bed; and my nightly bedtime story was an excerpt from the Holy Bible (King James version to e exact).  Nana was a stern yet loving woman.  Still, I resented this change and one particular day I got beside myself with "her stupid rules" and decided to test her authority.  She asked me to do something, I don't remember what, but I defiantly refused. She kindly listened to my every word and then out of nowhere smacked me right in the mouth.  I thought, how dare she smack me!  "I'm telling mom & dad", I cried!  To my disappointment they flatly stated, "Well, you deserved it. We oughta spank you now for disrespecting your Grandmother in the first place!"  My jaw dropped.  It was complete tyranny!  So, I thought.

When my parents' were too busy to smack me, Grandma did!  Now, that I'm grown I'm thankful she didn't hesitate.  Yes, it hurt -- both my jaw and my pride.  Yes, I was mad but I got over it.  The key word in that story is "once" as I never disrespected my Nana again.  Therefore, she never smacked me again.  In fact, I grew to cherish those moments and have more respect for it.  I love her dearly b/c she stood her ground and enforced lessons in me that [as a child] I had not the vaguest idea would carry me throughout life.  That situation taught me to humble myself (never be a spoiled brat) and respect authority and other people and/or their rules when I am subject to their hospitality (whether I like it or not).  Now, I'm not at all implying that I was a perfect little angel afterwards or for having been spanked as a child. It's possible that a child could never be spanked and turn out to be a model citizen but that's best case scenario.   For me, that moment is etched in my brain and always revisited me whenever I got so-called beside myself in life.  My father would say, we all have choices and our choices all have consequences. Some hurt. Yet, you'd rather the ones who love you chastise you early than strangers later.  In the real world, your fate won't necessarily be like All State insurance.  There's no guarantee it'll be in good hands.  I know I just said a mouthful, but long story short even good kids get unruly at times. They just need stern yet loving discipline to keep them on the good foot. 

There is key difference between corporal punishment and outright child abuse is the context.  This where common sense comes into play. The is a difference between a spanking and a "Penny" beat down. Abuse drains the energy and vitality out of kids and adults alike, rendering a person insecure and afraid--some act out by bullying others.  Constructive discipline does the opposite as it builds confidence as they learn how to trust in their ability to discern and respect boundaries.  Think concentration camp (brutality) vs basic training (tough love).  I know, horrible example but you get the point.  I know not everyone agrees with me and that's okay.  All I ask is that the opposition be realistic and not take my words out of context.  I'm not advocating anyone terrorize their children by smacking them around, spanking and yelling at them for every thing, all the time.  Too much discipline is just as bad as too little and even worse is none.  Nor, is it right to react out of resentment or frustration. However, any parent who claims to have never inadvertently made this mistake (whether verbal, physical, or emotional) is a liar...  

CUT TO SCENE: 

Brenda had a frustrating 10 hour work day.  She's home but mentally exhausted.  Her 7 year old chatters off a million questions while she already has a million and one pressing on her mind.  Simultaneously washing dishes, preparing dinner and tomorrow's school lunch she tries to  get him to pipe down and [quietly] concentrate on his homework so she can savor a moment's quiet.  Finally, silence falls for a good minute and he blurts, "Oh, mom!" and she blurts, "Dammit, Brandon!" He flinches.

Yes, we try but there's no such thing as a perfect parent and you never will be but the difference lies in the fact that one actually tries to be.  Brenda didn't mean to lash out in frustration or hurt her child's feelings but unfortunately it happened.  Only thing to do now is exercise damage control and apologize and give a hug for good measure.  Children are resilient and understand better than some adults.  When a child knows you love them and are not out to hurt them they will not stop loving you all of a sudden because you accidentally hurt their feelings.  Is the parent conscious of their actions and by all common sense measures, does the punishment fit the crime sort of speak?  Abuse in any form is a whole 'nether animal.  When a child experiences abuse he or she reacts with fear and withdrawal.  Speaking of fear, let me add there are two types of fear: 

1. Reverential fear-- essentially an overwhelming respect for someone or something; the conscious actualization of a superior based on their or its importance, wisdom, power, etc. in relation to you-- e.g. The terms "GOD fearing" or "respect the elements" (nature, water, fire...) 
2. Carnal fear-- marked by tyranny; a paralyzing feeling of harm and endangerment by someone or something; feelings of helplessness or fight or flight-- e.g. fear of the unknown, victimization). 

I'm no shrink nor do I pretend to be...well maybe a little, but I'm base this on life experiences from both sides of the coin.  I know what love is and I know what abuse is and do not see corporal punishment as abusive in and of itself.  It's all about context, context, context. It's practical to avoid corporal punishment but if you must, it's all in how you do it.  Not to mention emotional abuse is likewise not so all of what you say, but how you say it.  Context is very important and makes a world of difference.  At the end of the day, if a parent does not establish boundaries and put their foot down when necessary it will cause an unnatural imbalance in the relationship between parent (authority) and child (subordinate).  If this imbalance goes on for too long the child inevitably loses respect for the parent as an authority figure and trust in said parent is lost in the charade.  In a nutshell, if you don't smack them when necessary... they may very well be the one smacking you!

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