This Moment

{this moment} – A Friday ritual. A photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment you want to pause, savour and remember. “This Moment” is a ritual found on Sarah-Jane's almostthere.biz; inspired by the Wee Man adopted from SouleMama.

Morning Muse

Coastal Clothesline by Fiona Whyte

It's a wee bit after 7 a.m on a wintry, morning and the hot java is percolating even though I burned the midnight oil.  I'm a night owl but greet daybreak with "morning bird" appreciation as I tend to miss sunrise and his grandiose opening each day.  All is well minus the alleged icy transformer that fried an entire grid leaving my neighbors without electricity this morning.  Ah, thank God for back up generators.  Well, before I go off on a rant let me get back to my initial thought - laundry.  No, not the kind you drag downtown with a Zip-lock bag full of quarters but the other kind.  

I stood by the window to catch the first rays of sunlight and sipped my brew. I enjoy a quiet moment of Zen like the next geek... but find turning the big 3-0 on the cusp of this prophetic new year has left me all too aware of myself, others, the world around me, and my role in it.  Perhaps, a fringe benefit of the approaching Age of Aquarius or because I've survived the dark ages (twenties) and hit the magical age of enlightenment...thirty!

Oddly enough, before I could slay dragons I had to first draw the sword upon myself. 

After years of ambivalence the simmering came to boil over.  In my case, the most difficult situation to resolve was my co-dependency. Again, latent emotions are certain to come out in the wash and sadly my ex-boyfriend (who'd tried his luck one too many times) was not spared any expletives.  We tolerate a lot from the people we love.  It's why they say, "it's the people closest to you that hurt you the most".  Unless we stick to our boundaries -- by the time we say enough is enough we are either livid or indifferent.

In a previous post I aired some "dirty laundry" and let it hang out on the line for the whole world see.  I'm a private person aka Scorpio so that seemingly harmless admission was kind of a big deal.  Needless to say, holding onto grudges, hurt, anger, and distrust is toxic and was slowly but surely bringing out the worst in me. I once vowed that I never wanted to look in the mirror one day and see the stereotypical  "angry black woman" staring back at me!  Yet, there she stood.  How did she manage to get here? How could I have let this happen? I wept hard. I screamed into thin air at God...then for God.  I could no longer ignore my own harsh reality, pain, anger, guilt, disappointment and frustration.  I felt as if I'd been mindlessly sailing in the Bermuda Triangle, hoping a good wind would eventually come along and turn things around but I was the only energy that could get me out of the loop I was in.  He said with the faith of a muster seed I could move mountains (Matt 17:20).  I had to take responsibility, surrender and forgive.  Eventually, I got my compass (mind) right only to realize that I was on the wrong boat to begin with!  What a mess!  I decided to stop clowning around and left the Carnival if you catch my drift.  It didn't happen overnight but years to build up enough confidence, consciousness, and courage to let go of bad habits, frenemies and all manner of co-dependent relationships. Oddly enough, before I could slay dragons I had to first draw the sword upon myself. 

Well, Lancelot here is not out of the woods yet.  It's no shock that I currently find myself in what a friend coined as a "timeout" period.  Little did he know that he spoke of the very awkward yet purposeful predicament Iyanla Vanzant wrote about in her book In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want.  I read the book a few years ago and cannot recommend it enough.  However, I think I may have to return to its pages.  I cannot say the author did not give a caveat to her readers. She explained that these timeout periods in life are to be expected from time to time as we are forced to change, grow and evolve.  Perhaps, my timeout has manifest by my own sub/conscious design, fate, the Heavens, or a combination thereof.  I have no idea but am thankful to have washed ashore.  And the journey continues...

I Confess...

(James 5:16) Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. 

A dose of equal parts indifference and self-righteousness is a homemade pain killer that will leave you high and mighty. Albeit, mine was subtle but I've been preoccupied with how I've been hurt for so long that I failed to see how I've hurt others and also fell short.  We don't always realize how or when we've cause someone pain.  Sometimes we're too caught up in our own mess to care or do anything about it.  Sometimes when hurt we strike back but two wrongs never made it right -- only hardened hearts. I figured if I didn't let anyone get too close to me then no one could really hurt me.  Who could reject me if I rejected them first?  I didn't want to know another sorrow and at all cost. Well, it is impossible to be in a state of love and fear at the same time.  Holding grudges only filled my heart with distrust.  I hurt myself b/c I forgot how to forgive. Lord, forgive me. Amen.

A Heartfelft New Years

New Year's Eve is a day away and an eventful 2010 is coming to a close.  It is that proverbial time of reflection before and resolutions after -- a crystal ball falls from the night sky and slurring Au Lang Syne.  As the song goes, "Should ol' acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind?" Not to be cynical but in the whimsical world of dating and relationships, realistically this sentiment will visit us more than once a year.  Perhaps your 2010 love life left you feeling blah~zay and emotionally drained or just downright disgusted and pissed.  Yep, we've ALL been there. 

So, raise a glass folks! LOL...

All is fair in love and war, right?  Apparently, because in any given season some rejoice to new love and wedding bells while others lament over a broken-hearts and busted wallets.  Sorry, this doesn't include Father-of-the-Bride.  Yet, for those of us who have found themselves at war with love I'd like to suggest a few things that helped me through the mean-time.  Heartache, anger, bitterness, self-doubt, are all natural responses to pain but still negative emotions that we should leave behind us so that we can begin to heal.  We've all been hurt and both men and women benefit from extra TLC and/or strong words that keep us grounded.  Again, a New Year is indicative to new beginnings so strengthening yourself mentally and psychologically is  the ONLY way to be sure you will remain resolute to your cause.  In the Meantime is an excellent and creative book of self-evaluation and healing for both women and men who seek to learn how to stop unproductive thoughts and behaviors that are robbing them of love; self-love most importantly. 

Now, without further ado, ladies...

The Confident Woman by Dr. Joyce Myers is another excellent book where the author speaks to women about owning her power as a woman from an evangelical standpoint. Now, Myers is never hum-drum nor does she throw the bible at you sort of speak.  The book is universal and eloquent as it engages women from all walks of life and faiths.  As far as strong words are concerned, it is next where things get secular but insightful (just the same). Like my Nana says, "Chew the hay...spit out the sticks." In other words, process any and all information but only take from it what you need! 

She's Gotta Big Ego...

So, now you got the Yin but you could go for a little Yang? Check out The Alexyss K Tylor Show  to rejuvenate your inner goddess!  Yes, I said goddess.  This femme-fatale, feminist is ALL about self-empowerment and celebrating your womanhood. So, if after listening in you haven't experienced a pick-me-up or ego boost... go back to step  one and repeat.  Now, be forewarned she's is shocking and vulgar but sharp as a tack, brutally honest and funny as Moms Mabley. If you can handle that, then her message will not get lost in translation.  No. Tone it down a notch? LOL. Okay.  Well, we all can appreciate sisterly advice and that's exactly what you'll find on The TonyaTKO Show.   Mizz Tonya is a Psychology and Communications graduate, and a self-proclaimed Love Guru -- whose like "the big sister you never had" who paints your nails and giggles with you about boys instead of locking you in the coat closet.  Unlike Mizz Alexyss, she does not use strong language but both are leave their listeners more knowledgeable and most of all encouraged!  Well, that's my wrap for 2010. Cheers, ladies and gents!  I wish everyone the best possible in all areas of life. Remember, keep your head up and love down in your heart and the rest will surely follow.  


Happy New Year!

TAKING ROOT: The Vision of Wangari Maathai | Trailer | PBS